Welcome to Pandemonium

Sink or Swim

2010-01-15T04:37:00.002-08:00

Seems it took me nearly twenty years to finally understand what I’ve been doing, to finally understand where I am.
Life is an ocean. It’s vast, dangerous, and almost overwhelming at times. But it can also be enjoyable and calm when it wants to be. We’re all out there, out in the water. Some of us sink, while others of us swim out with blind faith that there is an island out in some direction.
As a child, I grew up with water. I practically lived in it - swimming lessons, beaches, backyard inflatable pools. I grew up and joined the swim team, then moved on to becoming a lifeguard. I thought I knew how to swim.
But things are different. I don’t know how to swim in life. I’ve been kicking and struggling to keep my head above the water, and all I’ve managed to do in these near twenty years of my life is to float. To drift. . .
It’s hard to watch everyone swim by you, never giving a second thought to help you out or lend a hand. Those that do don’t even know how to swim themselves, but they seem to offer their help regardless - maybe out of some feeling of obligation that they may have deep inside. Despite this, they still move on, leaving you alone in life.
I’ve come to a point in life where I need to make a choice. I can sink, I can swim, or I can continue to drift in hopes that I’ll somehow get thrown a lifesaver. I want to swim. I want to be able to learn to pull my own weight, then be able to pull the weight of others.
I want to be a true lifeguard. I want to be able to save people - lend them the hand that I wished I had gotten when I was lost. I want to be more than just “all talk”. I want to swim.
Life is tough. There is no doubt in my mind that this is some sort of trial, if not punishment. It’s meant to test us, challenge us, make us want to breakdown or quit. No one ever said it was going to be easy. We just take things like that for granted. I don’t anymore.
If it takes me the rest of my life to learn to swim, I’ll continue to learn gladly. And when I do learn to swim, I’ll help others out - teach them to swim as I do. Then I’ll swim out into the direction that feels right to me, knowing that there is an island waiting for me when I finish my set distance.

Never give up.

Live.

Swim.

Therianthropy

2010-01-15T04:37:00.001-08:00

What is a therian?

Therianthropy, or Zoanthropy, refers basically to 'the metamorphosis of humans into other animals'. The word comes from the Greek word therion, meaning "wild animal" or "beast", and anthropos, meaning"human being". The word was used to refer to animal transformation folklore of Europe and Asia. It is also used to describe a spiritual belief in animal transformation.

Words such as hybrids, shapeshifting, lycanthropy, and 'were' are often thought of when therianthropy is involved.

Therianthropy is currently considered a subculture of people who feel they are part animal, usually in a spiritual sense. They use words such as lycanthrope to describe those of them who have a spiritual connection to the wolf. This is not to say that they believe they become werewolves during the full moon.

Otherkin is another subculture, closely related to therians. Otherkin, like therians, have a spiritual connection to something non-human, however, they hold connections to mythical creatures and animals, such as the fae, unicorns, and even vamipres.

Shaman and totems are closely related to therianthropy as well. Whereas therians feel they have animal spirits, or an animal soul, totems are themselves animal spirits that serve as guardians. It is common to have multiple totems, but not so common to have many different animal souls, though it's not unheard of to have connections to more than one animal.

Out of Character and Still Myself ((23 September 2007))

2010-01-15T04:25:00.002-08:00

I'm done with my masquerade for now...
I let my mask fall to the ground and take my place among side Tantalus.
I reach out for the things I locked up behind my heart of stone and ice... and I set them free. Its good to let out... the one I've been hiding... my true self...fun, dark, full of malice.
----------
Speak to me, but I will not hear you.
I fear the parting had too great a cost.
I thought I could handle whatever fate threw me.
But I was wrong, and now I am lost...
----------
I await the day the rain comes down
And I can look up at the falling drops and smile...
No one can see my heart breaking...
No one can tell that I'm crying...
Alone in the rain... in the rain again.
----------
What did I do to deserve such punishment? Can I not be left alone? Is it that much fun to torment me... because I can do nothing about it...? Why... why . . .
You think you've gotten your life together. You've finally gotten it back on track, straightened it out... thought you understood finally... and then it hits you. You've been fooling yourself... and all it takes is one more traumatizing event to make you realize that you've been lying to yourself all this time.
Who do you think you are, trying to defy Fate and dodge what was meant to be? You aren't some god or goddess who can control the Fates with the flick of your wrist. No. You are a lowly human, no more worthy than an animal. You entertain the gods, keep them from getting bored.
You want to tip the scale in your favor? Well the other side of the scale will come back and hit you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For everything you do there is consequence. Like the law of equivalent exchange... like the law of karma... you do something, expect something else to follow.
What did I do? Why won't anyone answer?! Am I that pathetic that I'm not worth the time to even consider giving me a sign or an answer?! Am I that much of a push-over that the Fates can just toy with my life... lowly as it is... it's mine and it... I feel it... and I suffer from it...
I thought I could get out. You handed me the keys to my cage, just to have me walk into another... teasing me... making me think I could get out of my confinements... just to hurt me more.
You've made me who I am. Unstable. Confused. Hurt. Isolated. I pull back from others. I can't open up! You screwed me over! You fucked me up! I'm not even myself anymore! I've split personalities. I get mad, then the next thing I know, I'm fine, and I don't know what happened...
You give me nightmares. You torment me even while my mind is attempting to recover from your other tortures. You haunt me. Possess me.
I can hear you... laughing. A sick laugh... my ears are filled with it. It resounds through my head. I wake up confused! Where am I? Who the hell am I?!
I can feel the people around me... I've a gift of reading emotion...I just know ... but ... is that a reason for my suffering? Just one reason... even if it was made up... just to give me a reason would be good enough for me.
Just so I know that it isn't just a sick pleasure you get from watching me suffer needlessly...
You Fates toy with me now, but you set yourselves up for destruction. I've determination. You've forgotten that one thing... unless you're too bored with yourselves and wait for a challenge. Well, if that's what you're hoping for, you better damn well count on it.
For when I go to hell, I'll make sure to pay you Fates a visit. Determination has gotten me this far. Trust it to get me to where you are.
Had I not been given this undying need to prove you wrong, I'd have given up a long time ago. I'm betting that's what you were counting on. Well, you know what? F*** you all...
----------
Tears run down my face, only to fall into the still waters. It sends ripples of sorrow coursing across my wretched reflection... sends it though my body... across my soul. The wind blows softly 'gainst my wet cheek, calming, soothing. Let the moon shine upon my darkness... let the night caress.
Hear me and know, my fears and pains. If you don't go now, I won't be able to let go.
----------
Do my tears betray me?
What is this mess that I have become?
I cannot understand what people say.
If I am happy, why do they say I am crying?
If I am alright, why do they ask of my health?
Am I dying inside?

How long will it take you to realize that your mask no longer conceals you...
----------
((song))I close my eyes
And I can see
The day we met
Just one moment and I knew
You're my best friend
'Do anything
For you

We've gone so far
And done so much
And I feel
Like we've always been together
Right by my side
Through thick and thin
You're the part of my life
I'll always remember

The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I...
somehow, someday
We'd have to say goodbye.

You've helped me find
The strengh inside
And the courage
To make all my dreams come true
How will I find
Another friend
Like you

Two of a kind
That's what we are
And it seemed
Like we were always winning
But as our team
Is torn apart
I wish we could go
Back to the beginning

The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I...
Somehow, some way
We'd have to say goodbye.

Somehow today...
...we have to say goodbye
----------
((song))If there were many tears falling down,
Every heart would become gentle.
If everybody expresses what they think,
Every heart can be satisfied.
I was frightened by the neverending night,
So I prayed to the distant stars.
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love,
Because we wanted to become stronger.
We look up to the faraway sky.
The two of us, smiling, meet here,
Every heart has a habit of receiving its dreams.
Sadness has no effect on us,
Every heart gains happiness when it flies.
Someday our souls will unite,
We will give peaceful approval.
In endlessly repeating time,
We know why we are living.
We go through the nighttime laughing,
Both of us are mourning, yet we walk on.
Memories of everything has settled,
This is a warm place to be.
The stars separate us from the future,
We are always so brilliant,
So shine.
In endlessly repeating time,
We were searching for love,
Because we wanted to become stronger.
We look up to the faraway sky.
In endlessly repeating time,
We know why we are living.
We go through the nighttime laughing,
Both of us are mourning, yet we walk on.
----------
I'm in a state of limbo... uneasy, apathetic, depressed... all at the same time lacking emotion or feeling on the negative end of the emotional scale.
Were those tears I woke with when I fell asleep in class today? What about last week? What will happen tomorrow? Will it be the same?
Can I not force that smile anymore... the same smile I've been putting on for years now...? Has my mask lost its effect? Does it not fool anyone anymore?
----------
I tried to mend the rift that opened that fateful day, but to no avail.
The dark hole drew out my strength and all hopes of achieving what was once a godsend. Now I'm fated to return to my dark depth of existence, to never feel the sun across my skin. It has begun, the consequences of hiding from the fate I knew was meant to be.
At least I don't have to accept another parting of this world; just a parting from my life.
----------
((song))The evening lights, coloring the nights busy avenues,
down the street brings back memories of you.
Now I am watching, as lovers pass me by,
finding your shadows, in the views of my eyes
Now I am here, all alone
Remembering the time we used to laugh together
in the fall of the cold
I still think of you,
Wondering if you feel the same
Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
Remember me and love me always
Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again
I'm so depressed living , a quiet life now,
There is no one here, in which to hold hands,
or protect me from the cold
Feeling like this loneliness will tear me apart
I am waiting and looking for you voice
To get me out of the dark
Snowflakes fall like the tears that running down my face
I wanna hold you just one more time
I think of you night and day
Wondering if you feel the same
Being in the silence of the night
Fall into my arms and I'll hold you so tight
My kiss will guide our missing hearts
and tell me you'll love again
Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
remember me and love me always
Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again
----------

What is love but an aching heart, yearning for attention? What is love but a puzzle, searching for it's missing piece? How can it be, that you complete me, and yet my heart knows better than I, that when the day comes, I will be left broken? How is it that the heart, so fragile and yet so strong, can shatter one too many times that it becomes impossible to repair? Mysteries that bind me . . . oh these mysteries of my past bind me still. Curse the man who claimed "history repeats itself" for it is all too true. To the one who controls my fate. . . I wish only to remove the pain I must have caused others in the past, for this is the only reason worth this punishment I must now endure.
- Caelium
----------
I'm drowning in life, no longer able to tread. The chains of my past weigh heavy upon me. Despite my desperate attempts to reach the shores of my future, the pressure is too much. I'm drifting, further and further away from my goals and wishes. If I turn back now, I might be able to go back to the beach from whence I began. . . or I can try and reach for the sands from across the waters, possibly drifting too far to ever return to my beginnings.
Let the waves crash down upon me. Let me sink with my bonds. If somehow I can manage to survive. . . if someone cannot save me. . . I shall drown
-Caelium
----

Tell me what this feeling is, this hole residing in my chest.
Why am I numb, lost, alone? Where are my feelings, where have they gone?
What truly matters anymore? Who do I turn to in this dream within dreams?
Hold me, embrace me, engulf me. . . help me feel again. Help me know, help me understand.
Help me mend this rift, break my bonds. . . help me tear away from this indifference.
Help me live again. Help me put this wandering soul to death. Sing to me, hear my whispered pleas.
Dream with me, dance with me. Pull me back into myself. Breathe emotion in me.
In the least, save me, deliver me. . . end my suffering lest I become the wandering, useless soul I fear I am now.
-Caelium
----------
You say you're weak, not worthy.
You breakdown when you're alone.
You're confused and hurt, you're fading.
But I know better, you are wrong.

You say you're not able, distraught.
You can't sleep when I'm away.
You long for comfort and warmth, a friend.
But I know better, you're wrong.

I am weak, not worthy.
I'm breaking up from inside.
I'm hurt and fading, lost and alone.
I know better. You're the strong one.
-Caelium
----------
What am I going to do? It feels like I'm two different people, in the least... subconscious and conscious... my conscious self being human, and my subconsious self... a demon... a devil... a monster. I fear having my emotions go out of control, because I know that every time I lose control over them, I can't control the monster in me.
I don't want to expose anyone to this creature. I've done my best to keep it hidden, and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't think I've had any one tame the creature... once it came out I just had to wait until it weakened and my normal self would take over again. And I don't even remember all of what happened when I was my other self... more reason to think I've two different sides. I do know that when I'm my subconsious self, I remember everything my conscious self does... Does that mean that... does it... does it mean that my real... my true self is really the one I'm suppressing. . . ? Could it be my true nature that I'm hiding...? Am I ... have I... what if this person I am... what if the fact that I've always put up a mask... what if it means I've created myself a new person... the embodiment of a mask... what if I am a mask...? The self I know now... the one typing this... the one thinking these thoughts... what if it's just the mask... what if I'm a mask?

Ouroboros

2010-01-15T04:25:00.001-08:00

Ouroboros
--------------------
There I slept.

Before me in the realm between consciousness and death, he
approached me on four silent columns of black that
rose to attach to his large dark frame
Great creature of the gods –
How the eyes shone like brilliant flames and the deep
heavy breathing beat like drums. The ground cracked,
cracked beneath
Keeper of the pearl –
The black scales gleamed like a million tiny mirrors in a
million tiny dark rooms
reflecting the only source of light
Guardian of gold –
His think mane of blood light as feathers;
tender to the touch, and two crimson horns
as majestic as any crown
Wielder of fire –
I placed a hand on the silk soft outer skin of the
claw; with five sharpened blades that could
cut through to the soul
Treader of dreams –
With wide wings we went, he took to
the skies and flew to the wolfs domain

And there I slept.

Your Crosses Do Not Scorch My Skin

2010-01-15T04:24:00.003-08:00

In ancient day there’d been no cause -
Though all beliefs did have their flaws -
For persecution of those who kept
With Hera , Zeus; Osirus, and Seth.

But in fourth century Rome did fall,
With Christianity embraced by all.
Constantine had opporutunity,
With that religion came unity.

His empire then soon did spread,
And thus began the armies led
On crusades and holy wars.
Ancient ways were naught but lore.

Those new beliefs stand right today,
Brought on by strict Puritan way
Of burning witches at the stake
Or drowning pagans in the lake.

Like Count Vlad or lycan kind,
The wiccan kin are in a bind.
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live,
So says the phrase the bible gives.

We do not follow on Satan’s path.
Nor do we try to invoke the wrath
Of other beliefs - no angry mass
Of short men with gold and green hats.

We seem so scarce, uncommon and rare.
But in fact we’ve always been there.
The eclectic, the were, and otherkin,
The heathen, the shaman and therian.

We seek a refuge, we seek a truce.
But yet we turn to face the noose.
So instead we will seek to show
The truth behind the ‘truth’ you know.

Before the Order, before the Plague -
Before the bible was ever made,
Bards and vates and druids were plenty.
Ares and Balder and Lug were godly.

To will, to know, to dare, to keep. . .
Strength, and truth. . .generosity.
Virtues to follow and codes to drill.
To live and to love and not to kill.

To respect nature and not to gloat
So from the wiccan rede I quote:
“These eight words the rede fulfill
An ye harm none, do what ye will.”

Pomegranate

2010-01-15T04:24:00.001-08:00

Pomegranate

I gave my heart to you – a pomegranate in your hands.
I peeled back its hardened exterior to bear my soul.
And you stabbed it.
Pierced it with a blade of your words; the bitter cold
smile on your face as its red juices
spilled out.
My blood is on your hands.
Yet you drink up the sweet nectar to coat your throat with my pain.
You breathe in the delightful fragrance and think of berries
and jam.
I’m dying now.
My heart is nothing more than a snack to you. The silent
popping of seeds in your mouth sound in my empty chest.
Persephone cry for me.
My heart – the forbidden fruit. You spit out the seeds
and ingest my flesh. I stand broken at the altar. A hole in my chest.
The pomegranate on the floor.

Ex Libris: Al Mulo –

2010-01-15T04:22:00.002-08:00

He’s no Child of Judas –
An only child, pale with
His hair long and black,
Tied up so it pools along his collar . . .
Nor when he takes his walks through the family
Cemetery out back
Does he stop to count the
Oats and carrot seeds.
Upon the wall, the good Lord de Lioncourt and de Pointe du Lac elegantly
Pose, framed in a
Shining gold with embedded
Jade.
The antique hand mirror lies on the foot stool
Tarnished from use.
He sits in the library, von Kleist in hand, and Lamia at his

Feet – the lax calico winding in circles before the
Peat-fueled fire.
Sir Richard Burton
Sits
Besides Hans Heinz
Ewer, John Polidori, Leonard Wolf,
And a fallen over – first edition – of the great
Abraham Stoker on the 17th century secretary.
He’s no Gilles Garnier, though his therian charm and otherkin
Beliefs do cast some shadows on his name.
The display case in the sun holds mallets and teeth
…iron collars and

Ropes, and other necessities
For those who aspire to be a Jonathan Harker.
And though he may partake in the occasional reading of Kipling and Keats or Byron and Burger – or
Indulge in
A nightly viewing of Captain Kronos or Ganja and Hess
He still eats his favorite garlic chicken – and
Lemon - off his polished silver forks.
He’s no Vacher, an Antoine Leger, nor relation of

Tepes, though he speaks his
Romanian and Gaelic as he does his
English and French – like a scholar of languages
Who’s had lifetimes to perfect.
He wields no
Berserker
But does ride at sunset on the gallant
Upior – the aging Palomino who’s horseshoes are crusted with tar and trampled thorns.
He enjoys the nightly stroll around the grounds, but he’s no nightwalker –
Just a modern Lavater with a taste for life’s crimson elixer and a love
Of the Ancient Ones.

Apocalypse

2010-01-15T04:22:00.001-08:00

Apocalypse

The horsemen ride tonight, my friend, for pounds of flesh and salt.
You best be on your way, good friend, this blood is not your fault.

The blade of judgement’s here, poor friend, I will not be the last.
The light is in the sky, sad friend, escape ‘fore dark is cast.

Their arrows do fly straight, true friend. Death comes from these beasts.
Don’t let it be your end, dear friend, now leave me here in – ugh!

Before you go, I’ll say to you, beware the yellow shield.
Don’t cross the roads, drink only rum, and to the rivers, yield.

Beware the black, beware the sword. Beware the hounds of lore.
When the raven crows three times, answer not your door.

Lockley’s safe, but you’re not.
Out of sight. Don’t get caught.

Run away. Go free.
Goodbye, God speed.

Fionn mc Cumhaill*

2010-01-15T04:21:00.006-08:00

Fionn mc Cumhaill*

Great kingdom atop far Hill of Teamhair,
Whose fate was to burn on Samhain** day.
Naught but ash was left; ruins lay
In castles stead. Only smoke filled air,
Whence Aillen come to prance and play.

Yet who should happen but Finn McCool,
Upon the wrath of this underworld fear –
With sharp wit and poisoned spear
Brought to end the faery’s dark rule.
The song had ceased for far and near.

What gods hath suffered in wait for the throne
To be sat upon by only the greatest, and he alone?

* Gaelic for the more common Finn McCool
**All Hallow’s Eve, Halloween

Sonnet to Satan

2010-01-15T04:21:00.005-08:00

Sonnet to Satan

I’ve toyed with a dangerous thing
And stumbled into a second firey pit.
Lost souls cry out; their cries take wing
As I pass them by. They throw a fit.
I wander aimlessly; cold, tense, blind
But not to the horrors around me.
I search, a gate and way I must find
In order to free myself from this devilry.
Avast! I find the dark ruler of the land
Clawing blood red streaks ‘cross bleached white.
I step forward, an inch, to voice my demands
Of release. The demon laughs in sickened delight.
It replies: “Your soul to hell, be cast”
Whence I ask of it: “Satan, let me pass!”

A Subtle Time Bomb [9/20/04]

2010-01-15T04:21:00.003-08:00

A Subtle Time Bomb [9/20/04]
--------------------
I’m dangerous, shy, and thoughtful.
But I’m a subtle time bomb.
Absorbing all, holding back,
The trigger: something small.

Will it be my anger, a rage so strong and great?
Or will it be my sadness, or will it be my hate?
Will it be confusion, with dizziness and pain?
Which ever it may be, no doubt, I’ll surely go insane!

I sit and wait in silence.
I seem so kind and soft.
But in truth, I’m just a bomb,
Waiting to go off.

Part Aries, Part Taurus [9/16/04]

2010-01-15T04:21:00.001-08:00

Part Aries, Part Taurus [9/16/04]
------------------------
I want to be in charge;
To be serious but fool around.
To hide and seek in cavern creeks,
Fly high above the ground.

But the bull in me says different.
Be stubborn and think much.
My heart surrounded by hard rock;
Only the ram in me can touch.

Struggle of Self [4/26/04]

2010-01-15T04:20:00.001-08:00

Struggle of Self [4/26/04]
--------------------
Why do you do this?
Play mind games with me.
Whisper in my ear, scrape a hand across my back,
Implant horror in my every dream and thought.

I fight it every night, your cool poise and flaming desire.
Desire to cause pain and inflict deep branches in my skin.
But I grow ever so weak, my subconscious wanting, needing.
I hold onto truth, but oh! how tantalizing your world is!

Dying love, jumping cliffs, superior strength. . . imagine!
You paint my dreams so real, my subconscious draws nearer to it.
I try to run, but to no avail; how do you run from yourself?
My doppleganger laughs with pleasure at seeing me struggle.

Fight it! Fight it! Fight with your every being!
Won’t let it win, the darkness, enveloping me like storm waves
on a ship.
Wreckage! Oh it crashes down, survivors greatly injured!
Salvage your heart! For the gods sakes, I must salvage it.

The Barrens

2010-01-15T04:18:00.000-08:00

~The Barrens~
This barren land, once so green,
It’s rivers wrought to dry ravines,
From cove to cave this land’s a grave
To those the gods had failed to save.

An icy gale of August air,
Beats and barrels over the lair
Of a beast so hunch-backed, cowering,
It shies away from loud wind’s howling.

Covered with dirt, sealed by dirt.
But the gods hold the key to remove all it’s hurt.
Silverleaf bunches, patches of peacebloom,
And the briarthorn sheaf that hang down with gloom.

What could this land be, purged of plight
And hot desert sands? Battle this blight,
O battle this blight, the desert sand’s hot;
But don’t lose faith lest the green be forgot.
- after Hopkins

- Kat

Silent Night

2010-01-15T04:16:00.000-08:00

~Silent Night~

A pinwheel of death sails by, lacking its stem.
It’s free to kill and maim government dogs. Worms
And leeches crawl and beg to shadows. The moon
Glints off its silvered flesh and
Dances on lifeless eyes.
The pinwheel’s joined by souls made sharp
And a crimson spray tossed to the wind.

As before, so again– the night fell quiet.

- Kat

A Little Bit of Wow to Spice Up Your Life

2009-11-11T22:58:00.000-08:00

The on and off playing of WoW has gotten dull, so a group of us got together and decided to meet up on one server and level together to 80 with the hope of one day starting a 5s team. With 3 80s already on the server, each having the highest necessary skill for the three gathering professions, it was easy to figure out what professions we needed or could have. Two druids, a warlock, two rogues, a warrior, and a shaman are now on their way up to level 80. Take that!

Cataclysm is coming out in the future, and we're gonna meet it head on!

Going Through the Motions

2009-09-08T03:45:00.000-07:00

I debated on whether or not to write something - get things off my chest and whatnot. Let it all out, so to speak. And I realize that the last two posts were almost a year apart. And now, this one added, it looks like it's becoming habit. One year. One post. Hopefully it doesn't stay that way. Maybe I'll make it a goal and write it down on a schedule. Which reminds me... I still need to make my schedules.

Where to start? Not much has changed. Okay, a lot has. But nothing that really helps me. Currently, I am basically unemployed, out of school, and without health insurance. And trust me, I NEED health insurance. With my luck I'll get sick and need proper medical attention. Plus the fact that I've been putting off a lot of medical tests. Yay me.

Stress hasn't lightened. In fact, it's probably gotten worse. It all started with a bunch of bull with UCI back in June. I had to take another class to meet graduation requirements. Then after that was done (class two days a week for 3 to 4 hours), I had to deal with my parents, mostly my dad, during camping. Once again, I didn't get to stay in the spots that I wanted. This makes it at least 3 years since they've come to a compromise with the camp sites.
After that, it was the stress of finishing up with the painting of my new room and the moving of most of my junk. New room being my new room at my grandparents old home, which I moved into with my middle sister and younger male cousin, and most of my junk being whatever my father DIDN'T restrict me from taking. He wouldn't let me take my bed or my bookcases. I still haven't been able to get my dresser!
Then came my grandfather's passing. My last grandparent. My father spent most of his day with my grandfather. He'd been in and out of the hospital since December of last year, and was only recently in an old folks home. But my dad and his sisters were pretty much always there for every meal. It's been over ten years since I lost my grandmother, his wife.

Of course, you'd think it'd be an emotional time for me. I found out Monday morning, at about 6 or so on August 24th, that he'd passed away at about 3am. This followed a night where we'd stayed up and played beer pong until 3 or 4. So while I was up having fun and drinking, my grandfather died. But I didn't cry. I knew I was supposed to. My sister cried for over four hours after hearing the news. But I couldn't. I don't know why. Still don't. And still haven't. At least not over his passing. I feel... felt... broken.

Now that he's gone, my father is at home all the time. Seems I got out of the house just in time. I couldn't stand being in his presence most of my day. He's relentless. He doesn't shut up. He thinks he knows everything, and everything he knows and says is right. He can never be wrong. He is in control. And I am just some stupid-ass child.

It's not something I tend to admit, but everyone who's close to me knows that I just don't do the whole "open" thing. I shut everything in. I am not big on showing emotion. But it gets to be really hard to hold in with all the emotion running wild. It upsets me to know that sadness isn't as bad a trigger as anger and frustration. Yes, I'm more likely to have a breakdown when I'm frustrated and angry. Why? Because if you're frustrating me, I can't do anything. I can sit there and listen, sure. But I can't get angry, stand up and throw chairs across the room or fall to my knees and punch the cement until my fists are just bleeding chunks of flesh.

I know I have a problem with stress. It's the whole reason I've adapted to the way I do things...I read a lot. I play games a lot. I listen to music really loudly, and have to constantly change activities so my mind doesn't have the time to rest and dwell. I meditate on a pretty regular basis, and I used to light candles or incense. It doesn't get rid of the stress, but it does lessen it somewhat. I still get nightmares frequently, and I still have times where I just have to punch a wall so I can focus on the pain instead of my emotions. But there's only so much I can do. My short term memory sucks, it's hard for me to keep a constant sleep schedule, and I get stress-related physical things, such as the skin on the pads of my fingertips peeling off when I'm extremely stressed out. Like now =.=

There's just so much to say I don't even know where to begin. Well, I know who to begin with. My father. I don't like to think about it, but he is the main source of my stress. Grades. Future. Car. Relatives. Responsibility. Jobs. Religion. He covers it all. He's hardcore Catholic, and he expects me to pray at my bedside every night and pray before I eat, and keep a rosary or prayer necklace on me or in my room at all times. Again, I'm not Catholic. I haven't been for over ten years. But he turns a blind eye to that. I'm sure he's seen the signs, but he refuses to believe.

The other day he threatened to make me move back home. Threatened ME, telling me he'd MAKE me move back home. Said I didn't have anything to bargain with about moving back home. First off, I'm 22. Twenty-fucking-two years old. I'm not even his responsibility anymore. I didn't ask to be. Second, I'm not a fucking child. He made me sit down at the table and write down things he wanted me to get done - ie. look at insurance, check on CBST dates and practice tests, and some other things. All I could think of was how pissed off I was and how I wasn't going to take that shit. But my mom asked me to sit down and do what he said, and Lauren just sat there, looking at me like she was pissed because I was causing trouble. And you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm sorry I don't like the way he says or does things and will tell him to his face. Lauren can blow it off and obey his every whim, I don't care. But I can't put up with the bullshit he does. I can't. I won't.

I'm looking for jobs. At first, I just wanted to make money so I could afford to buy an occasional video game or two. But now getting jobs, plural, is very important. I need them. I need money. I need to do everything I can to get out from beneath his fucking thumb. I need money to pay for my own health insurance. To pay for utilities here at my new home. And to look into buying a new car - one that my parents didn't buy or give their approval for or anything like that. I don't want to owe them anything.

I love my mom, I do. But I hate my father. I might love him, because he's my father and he has done a lot for me. But I've never liked the man. I despise the way he does things, how he treats his immediate family, and how he treats me. And yes, I do blame him for my health problems. He's the reason my stress is so high that it's effecting me physically. He's the reason for why I act the way I do in certain situations. He's the reason I have such a low view of myself, and no matter how much I tell myself otherwise, I can't undo what he's done about how I see myself.
Back when I heard my mom and he had a fight that could've ended up in divorce, I was broken. I didn't know what to do. My sisters were crying and panicking. I was an hour away, stuck in Irvine, and it was late. I felt bad. But there are more times, now still, where I almost wish they were divorced. Yes, I've seen them together sometimes where I know they love each other and everyone 'aw's and finds them cute. But I know. More often than not, he's yelling at my mom because of some way she's handled a situation and he doesn't like it. Or he's forcing her to get on our cases cause he doesn't feel he does it enough. She bakes to relieve some of her stress. I've known that for a while now. But he'll come home some days and complain about her cooking and baking all the time. OR he'll complain that she's the reason he's overweight and the kids are unhealthy. She's the reason?! He says that she buys food they don't need or bakes when they don't need it. NEWS FLASH!! DON'T EAT IT! He blames her when he could stop himself from eating the foods. Bastard! Then he'll look at me and tell me I need to lose weight, which I already know, while he's fucking eating chips straight out of the bag! At least I'm active and make an effort to stop eating junk foods and lose some weight. What does he do? Complains to everyone, yells at someone or everyone for anything he can come up with, then takes a bag of chips and a beer and parks himself on the couch in front of the tv. And watches cops. Or some stupid-ass show. And my mother brings him food. He never gets up for himself. She serves him. And when I point it out to her, she said it's cause he works hard all day. Bullshit. I work hard on days too, but I get up and serve myself. And I don't go around telling people about how hard my day was, feed me, nurse me. I suck it up and go about my day.

Sitting here now, without him around me, I can think clearly. But everytime, without fail, if we're in the same room, we'll be in an argument. I won't even have to say anything, he'll find something to start up about. And he'll ask the same questions like three different times, like he doesn't trust the answer the first time I said it. Or he won't take my answer and tell me I did something the wrong way and how I should do it 'this' way, etc etc.

Sometimes I just want to bash his head in with some blunt object. Or my fists. That'd be more satisfying. I can't expect him to ever admit he's wrong about something, or apologize, or even just stay out of my life. So what else can I do? My mom seems hell bent on making me get along with him. Even after I told her I didn't want to speak with him or see him, she makes me go to church with them, then help him with moving things in the garage. And then help my aunt, his sister, put on car seat covers. Because she can't do anything by herself! Then, to make matters worse, he expects me to drive him there and back, so even after I finish putting the seat covers on in like 2 fucking minutes (oh so hard), I have to wait for him to do whatever he's gone over there to do.
I don't know what it is about him and my aunt that upsets me so much. He's too fucking controlling. A fucking controlling bastard. And she's fucking helpless. I love my aunt, but I wouldn't trust her to be able to save my life if it were in danger. I've had to go help put on her car seat covers, set up her dvd player, install a game on her computer, and teach her how to burn a cd. That last one took me nearly two hours because she had to write down EVERY SINGLE THING I SAID, from "move the cursor to file, click, go down to ..." all the way to "go to the bottom right corner of the window and click the button that says BURN". And you know what? My dad will do the same thing when I explain electronic things to him. Nothing can ever be simple with them.

Speaking of aunts, the she-demon who owns most the house I live in now drives me insane. Definitely in lesser amounts than my father, also because I have two others to bitch to and sympathize with me since we all deal with her, but she's still psycho. She's just as controlling as my father. Her comments are more like forceful suggestions. She doesn't take no for an answer either.
And get this. My father and her don't get along at ALL. In fact, they're always bitching about each other to family. So I get to hear both sides of the fence. But they are exactly alike. They hate each other, but they do the same things. They need to be in control. They need to complain and bitch and whine about other people, and yet they can defend and respect them all in the same breath. It's ridiculous.

*sigh* I don't know what else to say. I've just typed up what's come to mind. Well, that and I've had like 8 shots of vodka and whiskey by myself, so I'm just looking for someplace to vent. Vent done. For now. And for the future me, having 8 shots to try and kill the misery doesn't help at all. It just makes you want to go lie down in a ditch and die, but you're too tired to do that so you have to continue to sit in your chair and be miserable. Alone.

Until next time.

Stung

2008-09-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

I went out to water the front lawn yesterday and got stung by a wasp. At first I didn't even know what happened. Suddenly there was a sharp pain followed by a burning sensation on the knuckle where my thumb connects to my hand, followed by a spread in the burning across my hand and down to my wrist. My first reaction was to shake my hand really fast. I looked around and spotted a wasp flying really close.

Immediately I went into the house. A red dot formed where I had been stung. Then a white circle around that. Finally, a larger red patch appeared around that.

Today, it is swollen and it itches. It's ridiculous. I think I would have rather had 5 bee stings - they don't last that long. My hand hurts, itches, and I can't close it properly.

Oh well, hopefully it won't be this way for the rest of the week.

Oh, and my laptop is kp'ing. I hope I can get it fixed soon. School starts the 25th ><

Not A Morning Person

2007-09-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

it's the first time in a while I've been inspired to make a post. So here it is.

My mother seems determined to drag me out of bed before 10am everyday. She was even more determined Thursday morning. She woke me up and had me get out of bed to write her a check for my perscription sunglasses. I require at least 10 minutes, AT LEAST, preferrably half an hour, before I can fully function in the morning. Needless to say I didn't get any time to adjust from sleep to awake. I got up and wrote the check, and my mom left for the bank.

For about an hour after getting out of bed, I couldn't function properly. My hand was twitching, I couldn't move the right foot forward, and I was walking into things. I thought maybe changing from my glasses into contacts that I'd be more awake. So I went to do just that - to put in my contacts.

I got both contacts in successfully, but the left contact was making my eye irritated. I took it out and proceeded to rinse it off and clean it so I could put it back in my eye. At least, that's what I told my brain. Instead of turning to grab the contact solution behind me, I reached above the sink and pulled out my deodorant and removed the cap, then put the deodorant on my contact. When it touched, I realized my stupidity and let out a distressed yell.

I had to get a new pair of contacts and. . . well, end of story.
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Check in

2007-07-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

I figured I might as well check in. Haven't done this in quite a while.

Nothing really going on. Lifeguarding. Hate the sun. Brats. Evil sun tan lotion. Too hot to sleep at night.

yeah... Mammoth soon ^^

Crunch Time

2007-06-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

Finals are coming up... just next week. I have a poetry portfolio due tomorrow, and it's already past 4. I woke up not too long ago. ><

I'm addicted to World of Warcraft and facebook almost equally, and I can't seem to sit still long enough to work on what needs to get done.

But you know what? I kinda don't care. I know the portfolio will get done. And I just need to look through my lecture notes to find the answers to the questions for my philosophy final. The only thing I need to worry about is working on my essays for my last final for Fil Am Lit. And she gave us the questions... I just needs to come up with some ideas.

Special Olympics is coming up next weekend. It will be, I think, my tenth year. Then comes Anime Expo. Yeah!!
Then work... oh my... summer is speeding up as we know it. Oh... and Shannon's birthday... and mom's anniversary! So much to do and plan for...

But you know what...? Even though it doesn't feel like it...I think I have all the time in the world...

2007-05-21T22:33:00.000-07:00

I've nothing to say today... I'm tired and I need to shower!

Lauren... says hi... "Hi"

Invisible Bars

2007-05-10T00:59:00.000-07:00

I'm so disappointed with everything. Me. My life. Oh look, it's starting to make me sound like I'm emo. I'll apologize in advance.

I fell asleep and woke up feeling a deep sense of depression that rose out of the pit of my stomach like an monster rearing its ugly head and screaming bloody murder. I hate this feeling. it's like a roller coaster, and you don't have enough momentum to get over that next hill, so you get stuck at the bottom in between two of them. Unmoving.
I've no reason to cry, but it feels like I should have one. Nightmares? Grades not all As? People dying? Those reasons just don't fit. Yet here I am, depressed and contemplating. I can contemplate and not hit the subject of death, mind you. I know the two go hand and hand together sometimes, but just to make things clear... they're not paired this time.

I pondered this weekend. Meditated. Contemplated. Both relaxing and depressing, really. My mind freely wanders, but always goes back to depressing thoughts. If someone were to ask me if I was happy, how would I respond? I'd like to believe I'd say yes, but deep down I know that isn't what would come out.

I can believe all I want about fate and destiny and that things happen for a reason. But what if they have no reason? What if that fork fell off the table accidentally, for no purpose other than to fall off the table and make me wonder? What if I wore the green jacket instead of the grey jacket not because I was meant to but because I just randomly felt like it? What if... what if I have no purpose other than ... other than to be that random feeling... because someone felt like putting me here... what if that's my only purpose. . .?

I do so much volunteer work. So much fundraising. Bike rides, walks, dances, runs, hospitality meals, Special Olympics... they make me feel better about who I am. I'm helping. I want to help. But that feeling goes away soon. Why does this depression persist? Is it ... stronger? Am I just filled with more negative than positive?

I'm always telling myself about life being this huge ocean - we're all swimming in it. But I just float there. I'm not really sinking, but I'm not really swimming either. Stuck. Still. Not moving. Just floating. Why don't I move? What am I so indifferent? Why don't I really care?
If I really cared, wouldn't I be spending all my waking hours studying my ass off in some gods forsaken library or stuffy stale study room somewhere? Wouldn't I be exercising more, swimming, running, and going to the gym rather than spending hours in bed or in front of the computer on facebook? Wouldn't I be spending more time writing my novel so I can someday publish it instead of fooling around RPing with over four different RP groups?
If I really cared, wouldn't I be ... happier?

What happened to that smile I can see clearly in my pictures of when I was younger? Why did it disappear?

I wish I could ask for someone to talk to. I never could ask for help. I'm here stuck in this cage with its invisible bars. I just... I just wish there was someone who could bring the keys and let me ... out.

Pain and Lethargy

2007-05-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

I got three hours of sleep last night - got up at 5 this morning. Turns out that the 10 mile bike ride was really more like 20... we had to bike to the actual starting line from my aunts house. >< But the breakfast from hell turned out to be okay... which in itself is a little weird and makes me wonder why it wasn't more hellish.

I picked up a video game at the mall with my cousin, since we were out there already, then had to run some errands for my mom - bread flour and milk from Albertsons. Then I was home. I ate food for an hour, flipped through one of my sister's girly magazines (I think it was Teen Vogue), then vacuumed. That was followed by a shower, then I went in my room and fell asleep.

I was rudely awakened when my parents kicked me out of bed and told me to change for church. Church! I'm pagan!!

So I had to go with them to church. I try to get out of it every week, but nothing has worked so far. Only that one time where I was extremely sick. They were probably afraid I'd puke on people or something. Then of course the days I went to the fair and wasn't back in time for church (purposely). But yeah >>.
I got back from church and fell asleep. My parents left for some party involving bingo and wrestling on pay per view. De La Hoya and some other guy. Apparently Hoya lost. Oh well. Anyways, my sisters woke me up not too long after, and I drove to my cousins. We spent 30 minutes arguing over what to do, then I drove to IHOP. We ate, and then we drove back.

Now I'm back home. And you know what? I'm gonna go fall asleep. Cause I know I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow to go to Farmers Market. It's something I enjoy doing, even if it is early. It reminds me of the middle ages when there were vendors and traders who bartered their goods in the markets. Plus, I get to help my mom pick out orchids ^^.

Okay... so ... sleep. Laters.

Regret

2007-05-05T00:16:00.000-07:00

I was so psyched for two weeks about the bike ride... today... May 5th. Now the regret is moving in.

I'll have to wake up at 5:30-6:00am in order to be ready by 6:30. My aunt will pick me up, we'll load the bikes, then drive out to Arcadia. I think the marathon starts at 7:30. Anyways, we'll be biking for 10 miles in the cursed hot sun. Then I must endure the company of my 'aunt' over breakfast.

This 'aunt' isn't the one I'll be biking with, but another. One who isn't like by most of the family. Her children and husband went to my dad's mother's funeral (my grandmother), but she didn't. Also, when her own mother was dying, she was more concerned about buying and moving into a new house. I think what really tipped the bucket was when she claimed she needed money cause she was going to lose her job, and her husband was getting laid off. Her brother has mental handicaps, and gets money from the state. She wanted to sell the house (grandparents house) to get her share, which would give my uncle his share, but cut off his funds from the state. Basically she was willing to put her handicapped brother out on the streets.
My aunt, who I am biking with, went into her retirement money and bought my 'aunt's' share of the house so she could get the money.

That 'aunt' turned around and used the money to fix up her house and buy a new car. Needless to say, she nor her husband lost their jobs.

So she isn't liked. My other aunt doesn't seem to care that my 'aunt' did this, and acts like nothing happens. She's dragging me to breakfast at 'her' house and even made my sisters and cousin go. So ... not looking forward to that.

After the bike ride, I'll be really sore. I just know it. It's probably the farthest I've ever travelled... or will travel, for that matter. I'm sure I can make it, since I'm an endurance swimmer and all, but I hope I don't lag behind. Sure this is for a fundraiser, but I don't want to be like one of the last people to cross the finish. ><

>> I can't really think of anything else to blog about. I can say that my day consisted of making 30 sandwiches, taking cookies out of the oven, watching my sisters swim meet, and playing Soul Calibur III (and owning everyone with my ninja). That's basically it.

2007-05-03T22:48:00.001-07:00

In the Beginning. . . There was Blog.

2007-05-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

So... it's my first time ever having a blog. I don't count xanga, but I do have one of those... merely an outlet for stress and whatnot.

Today was a pretty bright day. Tickets sold out for the Spider Man 3 midnight showing, but I really didn't mind - I got to go home early.

My day began really hectic - woke up late, couldn't find the toothpaste, forgot my book and had to go back. . . but everything changed when I walked into my Filipina/o American Literature class. I was completely out of it, having had studied all night for a philosophy midterm, when I realized the person standing behind the podium wasn't our teacher. I thought to myself, 'it must be the author that's visiting today'.

He spoke on his book, "Talking to the Moon", which we read for class, and it was an amazing reading. I'd been to other signings or readings and author meets before, but I feel this was my favorite. It was very closed, more personal than if it had been in the bookstore or some other place on campus. The Anne Rice signing I went to was just a signing and pictures. Then there was the one I went to at the LA bookfair in 2006 for Stan Sakai - he just said hi and signed my books, drew some pictures. There was also the signing for Kazuo Ishiguro's Remains of the Day, but he just read from his book then signed.
Noel Alumit came off as an actual human being. He provided us with background, inspiration for his novel, and even answered questions.

I'd been writing stories for years now, probably as far back as sixth grade. One of my recent stories I was thinking of trying to get published, but I hadn't been inspired to write anymore of it in order to finish it. I was ready to give up. Noel Alumit's visit in class today gave me that motivation to start my story up again.

^^;; If you ever read this strange ramble of words, Noel Alumit, thank you for the inspiration.